My Rape, My Abortion, My Healing
My rape was violent and left me in the shower bleeding and scrubbing my skin with a brillo pad, feeling so dirty from what happened. When I found out that I was pregnant too, I plummeted down even further into the abyss of depression and self-loathing. There seemed to be no choice but to abort the baby, and I woke up in the middle of the abortion- knowing that a life had just ended. The anethesia doctor noticed my aware state and immediately turned up the anesthesia, and the next thing I knew, I slowly woke up belly-sobbing, feeling profoundly sad. After the trauma of everything quieted down, I denied my feelings and became almost militant about 'CHOICE'... it was my way of dealing with what had happened. Many years went by. One day, out of the blue, it seemed like it all came back- along with the certain knowledge that it was MY ultimate decision to end my child's life. The thoughts that followed were very bleak (at best), and the grief and powerful feelings were overwhelming to me!
I was experiencing 'Post-Abortion Syndrome'. My question was, what do I do NOW?? I couldn't change the past and I just felt like a horrible person who had done a most awful thing... something so bad that I was left with profound guilt and shame. It was the beginning of my healing.
In the years following this event, this 'awakening' of my own truth, I learned what to do and how to deal respectfully with all of the issues surrounding my experience and the Post-Abortion Syndrome that was so powerful. What I learned and put into practice gave me release from my negative feelings, and I began debating the issue on National Television (Newstalk TV, New York, NY), sharing wht I did with other women in print and also on the radio.
There is much that can be done, and healing IS possible. I am currently in the process of creating liaisons with other women AND men who are interested in contributing to help others, and in working together for the benefit of all people who have experienced or are experiencing PAS.
Are you interested? If so, I welcome your thoughts, stories, and ponderings. What did YOU do that was most helpful? (For me, it was when I gave my unborn an name and conferred 'personhood' to 'him', then asked him to release ME.) The process of grieving an unborn with honor and respect for parents AND the child is important. Getting completion through acceptance without judgment, forgiveness, and release... this is powerful stuff!
It is critical to get OUT of internal 'monologue' and INTO 'dialogue'... let's create synergy together for the benefit of everyone.