My Story

I moved from my hometown when I was 12 to the big city of Dallas. I was way out of my league there but didn't really realize it til it was too late. I started going steady with my best friend's boyfriend's best friend after being there for about 6 months. It wasn't long before he started trying to convince me into having sex. He used all kinds of reasons why we should... because he loved me so much; if I loved him - I would; everyone else is doing it; and the one that convinced me... if you don't, Debbie will. I hated Debbie!

0ur relationship changed. He became possessive, controlling, and eventually physically abusive. I never told anyone because I was just too embarrassed AND because I was convinced that he really loved me. I ended up getting pregnant shortly after turning 14. I kept it a secret for as long as I could but eventually, my mom figured it out. I'm still not sure about how far along I was but I'm guessing 3-4 months. I denied it when she asked. She took me to Family Planning Clinic and talked the doctor into giving me the abortion. Oh... this was the year before abortion was legalized. The abortion was scheduled for the following night at midnight. I asked my mom if I could let my boyfriend what was going on and she said I could... and to tell him that it was over. I argued with her about that, but not about the abortion. I was so ashamed and really didn't want to be a disappointment to her. She never told me that I was or acted like I was, but I still felt that way.

When I told my boyfriend what was happening, he told me not to worry. He said that he would talk to mom and tell her that we'd get married and that I would quit school, move in with his parents (and 2 brothers, 2 sisters, a brother in law, one baby nephew with another on the way). This is when I think I "got a clue" of what my like would look like if I stayed with him. Needless to say, I decided that having an abortion would be the solution to all of my problems. So I didn't say anything to him as he came up with "the plan." I went home, went to bed, and cried myself to sleep. I woke up to him screaming at my mother, telling her he would kill her if she killed his baby. He left and sent his mom and older sister to try to convince her to change her mind. She told them repeatedly that I was too young to have a baby and that I wasn't going to marry him nor quit school nor leave home. She really felt that she was saving me. I know that she loved me and wanted the best for me.

The abortion took place the next night. I was given a sleeping pill and fell asleep quickly but I woke up half way thru it, screaming from the pain. I was so embarrassed when I realized that those screams were coming from me. They pushed me back down on the table and finished what they were doing. I fell asleep again after a while.

It was over. I wasn't "in trouble" anymore. My mom ended up moving us 1200 miles away and I never saw my boyfriend again. I met my husband there and we married right after I graduated high school. We decided it was time to start our family and I got pregnant when I was 19. About half way thru the pregnancy, I started bleeding and was put in the hospital for 3 days until it stopped and ordered to bed rest for 10 days after going home. I had no more problems and carried to term. I went into labor after going a week later than expected. I was in labor 15 hours but some time during that time, they realized the heartbeat of the baby was slowing whenever I had a contraction. They decided to do a cesarean but it was too late... the baby was coming. They rushed me to the delivery room and our baby girl was born... dead. The doctors said that when the bleeding happened during pregnancy, the placenta had broken. The break was around the cord and when it healed, it hardened, so that when I had a contraction, it was cutting her breath off.

When I woke up, I was overwhelmed with guilt. My thought was that I had taken the life of my first baby and that this was the punishment that I deserved. I was consumed by grief and guilt for many years. After giving birth to my son 15 months later, I decided not to have anymore children. It was just too hard to go thru 9 months of not knowing what was going to happen.

When my son was 4, I was watching this TV Evangelist. I was raised in the church but really felt to guilty about the abortion to go back... so I watched this one show on TV. He really nailed me this night. Talked about how sin could cause some people feel so guilty that it keeps them away from God. He said they keep asking God for forgiveness over and over but that they don't stop to accept it. That was me! I prayed over and over for forgiveness but never believed I could be forgiven. To me, I had committed the unforgivable sin. He said that I had been forgiven the very first time that I asked and that God had forgiven me and forgotten it. My slate was wiped clean. At that point I thought, "I've been reminding God of my sin every night!" At that point, I prayed one final time and told God that I was sorry and that I realized that Jesus paid for my sin and that I was forgiven. I then asked God to use me however he wanted.

I thought he would use me to talk to someone who was considering abortion or to someone who had lost a baby... and he did, but after going to college, he also called me to work in a church (26 years) and to help start a Pregnancy Care Center and to coordinate and lead a post abortion ministry at the center. These were things that I never could have dreamed of doing on my own.

So, what would I tell women who have had an abortion in their past? Call a pregnancy care center and find out when the next post abortion class will be meeting. I know it's embarrassing and that you are taking a risk by sharing your secret but believe me when I say... It will be worth it! Something awesome & powerful happens as you study the scriptures and share with women who understand you. You realize that you are not alone! Don't continue to live in bondage. Work thru your guilt and shame and let God heal you. He can do it! Become forgiven and set free!

Thank you God for loving me enough to NOT let me stay in bondage! Please continue helping me grow and be the person/follower that you want me to be.

Kathy